I should probably confess, before I get into today’s teaser sleuthification, that I don’t like organized religion. Disorganized religions are fine, because they don’t get together and try to figure out how to enroll other people (like me) in their belief system, or grow so big that they lose sight of their beliefs entirely, but organized ones turn me off.
So I spent a fair amount of time cringing when I read through the transcript of this latest teaser pitch from Mitchell Clark — I have no idea whether he’s religious himself, but the first couple pages read like a cynical televangelist trying to get you to open your wallet, transparently pandering to those who believe that “America has lost its way” and that “good people” will get their just rewards from God (despite Obama… gotta throw in something about Obama) because of the “master plan” that’s in the Bible.
And yes, he throws a secret stock pick in there, too — more on that in a minute.
Here’s how Clark gets us started:
“Hi, my name is Mitchell Clark, and for the last several months, I’ve led a very unique research project—a search for a solution to America’s economic problems in the Bible.
“And what we uncovered was astonishing…
“It’s a prophecy hidden on page 638 of the King James Bible….”
And, of course, there’s a mysterious image of a piece of parchment that looks like it might be in Hebrew — which is odd, given that the King James Bible is, of course, the English version of that text, as approved and specified by King James (to make sure that the word of God was in line with what he wanted to say) and first published in 1611.
The page number is silly, of course — who knows what edition he’s using, or which printing, pretty much no one cites page numbers for biblical verses. So his secret “prophecy” could be anywhere in the book, but apparently it is a secret that is enriching people in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Colorado, North Dakota and Texas.
[An actual quote from Clark is, “our Creator’s blessings are not confined to northeast Ohio. Small towns throughout America are experiencing similar miraculous results.” No offense to anyone in Youngstown, Cleveland, Akron or Canton, but I think this is the first time I’ve heard anyone imply that “our Creator’s blessings” might be focused specifically on that area]
So yes, I’m being snarky, but apparently the “prophecy” is something along the lines of: “Some of you own land under which shale oil and gas will be found, as God specifically intended, and you will therefore get rich.”
Frankly, it would fit well as a scene in The Book of Mormon (the play, not the sacred text — haven’t read the latter).
I don’t mean to be irreverent here, or at least not any more irreverent than I am on any other day, so I’ll skip over the long section of the ad citing all the people and towns who believe that these new energy discoveries are “divine intervention” and “a gift from God” (similar stuff from the towns impacted by investment in the Haynesville Shale, the Bakken Shale, etc.) Obviously, those are common phrases that some people spit out whenever anything shockingly good happens (God is also very active in the state lottery, I’m told).
We, on the other hand, know that God clearly intended for His oil riches to be discovered most voluminously under land controlled by caliphates, dictatorships and godless communists, and (ha ha on you!) under thousands of feet of ocean, and only after that to be found under the lands of the “true believers” in the United States. Oh, and (ha ha again!), the oil that goes to save the farms and towns of the “true believers” is way harder to extract than the stuff controlled by the folks who don’t so much adhere to the Anglican version of the Word of God.
The point is, Mitchell Clark, once he’s done offending both believers and non-believers with his pandering (as I’ve probably done with my snarkiness), goes on to tease a stock. Perhaps because God wants ownership of for-profit enterprises to be spread among individual investors.
Arg, sorry again!
I know I’ve already made a good number of you angry, so I’ll try to stop. If you want to read the rest of the ad, go right ahead.
Mitchell Clark is pitching a subscription to something he calls America’s Redemption, which I guess must be a newsletter dedicated to the shale oil revolution — it’s not really clear, but the folks at Lombardi Publishing will let you “start to try it” for $5 as a bargain basement entry level price compared to the $295 “normal” price. Oh, except wait a second, he’s charging $5 upfront and then if you don’t cancel after a month he’ll charge you $92.50 as the balance for your first six months (so it’s actually $195/year, I guess, and they’ll then renew you at that rate every year). Clever.
America’s Redemption is not listed on Lombardi’s website that I can find, though I do wonder if it will be going up against that other biblically-titled Lombardi newsletter, the Judgement Day Profit Letter, which is helmed by Clark’s colleague George Leong and “features stocks that we expect to profit as the American Ponzi scheme collapses.”
Anyway, moving on… this is just the last little excerpt before we get to specifics:
“The Anti-Obama RecoveryAre you getting our free Daily Update
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“The story begins six years ago, in the aftermath of the 2008 market crash…
“Some Americans turned to Obama for help.
“They saw him as their potential savior from economic doom.
“But not everybody did.